What is the "Big Picture"?

I hear this question posed many times at the office where I work as a network administrator. Usually it is posed to me as a request to explain, in non-technical terms, the long term plans for the network infrastructure, and I usually have a pretty good answer for the powers that be. Occasionally we may disagree, or the picture may need to be adjusted, but at least they have a picture in place, and the necessary steps are being taken to bring that picture to a reality.

The other day I realized I don't have a "big picture" for me. I found myself looking at the mirror and asking my reflection "What is the big picture for you?" The really scary thing was that I really didn't have an answer.

Before this degenerates into a "woe is me" sort of diatribe, let me start off by saying that there are certainly plenty of others who have things worse off then me, and this isn't meant to garner sympathy. It's really more of a stream of consciousness expression that will hopefully lead towards some sort of self realization. First, a brief summary of events to bring you, the reader, up to speed.

I can remember in high school when we were given the assignment to research three potential careers. For the life of me, I can't remember what my third choice was, but my first two selections were the military and an investigative journalist. The assignment was to list requisites for the career, pros and cons.

The military was pretty straightforward; it doesn't take a genius to see the potential negative side effects of wearing a military uniform. There is no doubt I would be a vastly different person if I had selected that particular path. The fates, however, dictated another destiny for me, and my plans for becoming the greatest military strategist, eclipsing the likes of Alexander the Great, Napoleon and Patton faded.

An investigative journalist had an interesting ring to it, but it simply didn't have the 'wow factor' that I wanted. Add to the mix the fact that this was before the day of the personal computer; we used typewriters and I HATED not being able to correct my typing errors the way you can today with a word processor. If I had been born 10 or 15 years later than I actually was I may have stuck with this career path, who knows. At any rate, I decided to pass on this because, despite my rather obvious proclivity for verbosity, I tend to despise the actual process of writing, which obviously would be a major part of the job.

The reinstatement of the Drama Department during my senior year of high school put me on the path that I am on now. Not only did I land the lead role on both the winter and spring productions, I won "Best Actor" awards from the local Rotary Club for my performances in both. It was the first time one person had walked away with both trophies in a year - voices clamored that this was the path I should follow, and being an actor appealed to my overly dramatic personality. It was decided; a thespian I would be.

I majored in Theater Arts, and eventually moved to L.A. to pursue my dream. I was fortunate enough to find jobs that allowed the flexible schedule I needed, and I managed a tiny foothold on my conquest of Hollywood. Like the campaign in the Pacific in the Second World War, it was a difficult landing, a brutal assault on the beach, and then a miserable slog through the jungle~ it has been a battle raging for nearly 18 years now.

So here I stand today, wondering what the last 18 years have been for. I'm hardly a household name- in fact, other than my small circle of friends I'm fairly confident no-one knows who I am. As time continues its inevitable march forward, I find myself questioning more and more what my plans are in case I never crack the Hollywood shell. What am I going to do with myself?

Part of me says to give in; surrender to the fact that it isn't meant to be and settle into some sort of 9-5 compromise, where a regular paycheck and a pension await.

There are three major problems with this scenario. First, I don't have any real credentials to immediately go out and get a new job. (My current job will be ending in December.) Yes, I work with computers and I'm fairly good at it, but I have no formal certification, and most employers want a computer science major at least, with MCSE certification or other credentials.

Secondly, given the current trend towards outsourcing, there really isn't anything the would provide what you could call "job security" anymore. There isn't a whole lot more job security working in the technology sector, so completely ending my quest for a career as an actor to accept another non secure career selection doesn't exactly make for an enticing choice.

Lastly, my heart isn't in it. What's the point of going on day to day if you don't have any dreams to chase? Aren't we supposed to have a dream? Isn't that part of the big picture? Or is the big picture something else? I certainly don't have the answer; obviously some additional reflection is needed.

Unless I am struck with some sort of epiphany, I think I must play this out-- to quit now seems the weakest choice, even though logic might dictate otherwise. My apologies, Mr. Spock. For now, I must defer to the rather illogical choice of following my dream. Who knows? Maybe, for me, knowing that I'm trying to do what I love IS my big picture.