Fortune Cookies

Originally posted on the Los Angeles Rants & Raves section of Craig's List on June 28, 2007

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We all know that humans, by nature, are creatures of habit. I have a handful of places that I go to for lunch everyday, partially out of habit but also because the restaurant selection where I work is somewhat limited. Of all the places I frequent, Panda Express is, sadly, my lunch of choice. Two item combo, half n half, with kung pao chicken and either orange chicken or sweet and sour pork. No sample, thank you. No third item for $1.09, thank you. No drink, thank you. It is my mid-day recital that triggers my Pavlovian response in anticipation of my afternoon repast.

Being of slightly obsessive-compulsive mind and body, I decided one day to start collecting all of the fortunes from the fortune cookies. I've even gone so far as to tape them all together into a big mat and have them under my clear plastic desktop protector. You're probably shaking your head thinking "Damn, this poor bastard really needs to get a life." And yet, you read on, mesmerized by my dysfunctional habits and, like a horrific car accident, unable to look away, wondering where this seemingly aimless post is heading. Well, brace yourself.

Today being somewhat quiet, and with my current attempts to decipher The Bard's "Love's Labours Lost" failing miserably, I decided to review my collection of fortunes and share some of them with the world, along with my reflections on their accuracy as they pertain to the comic tragedy that is my life. Initially, I was going to do all of them, but I have over 215 of them, and that wouldn't be a post, it would be an e-novel.

So, without further ado, my top 10 fortunes from Panda Express fortune cookies (with commentary)

10. An admirer is too shy to greet you
Well that's just great. I'm not exactly known for my perspicacity, which probably explains my rather dismal showing at the no limit hold `em tables. I walked around for a week looking everybody I knew in the eyes and trying to see if I could read some sort of secret admiration vibe. All it did was creep everybody out; I'm still getting restraining orders from a few of the really hot ones... dammit.

9. Do not hide your feelings. Let others know where they stand
This might work well for some, but when you work at a computer help desk with people who have the mental agility of a paraplegic snail, you have to exercise some restraint. I won't give you examples because they are all over the internet, but I have to say it is really stunning to have somebody come over and ask if they can borrow the company digital camera because they need to send a screen print to someone. Needless to say, this cookie resulted in a nosedive on my performance chart and a newly updated resume ...fuckers.

8. An important business venture may soon develop for you
Given the results of the prior cookies, I wasn't exactly holding my breath on this one. It was then that some fool told me that the results of fortune cookies are always to be edited to end with `in bed.' Ahh so! Armed with this newfound knowledge, I undertook what was sure to be my path to riches: Brothels R Us. Unfortunately, my eagerness for fiscal security clouded my careful interpretation of the fortune, and as the sole proprietor/employee of this entrepreneurial endeavor, I found myself the rather painful recipient of some very aggressive anal activities before realizing that whoever said fortune cookies are always to be edited to end with `in bed' probably had ulterior motives. Come to think of it, he never did pay for his last four visits....bastard.

7. With integrity and consistency, your credits are piling up
I'm pretty sure this was written by a fortune cookie writer who failed miserably at Bookkeeping 101, or Translation to English 101, or both. I'm almost positive that the original fortune had the word "debits" in place of "credits", because then this would be the first fortune that had even a remote chance of being accurate. Couple this with the fact that I received this after all of the court costs bills from the restraining orders and the bankruptcy proceedings from my failed company in #8. I'm beginning to think my ass is never going to heal.

6. You will have full commitment by summer's end
If I knew a girl named Summer I'd be pretty excited about this one. But, a careful review of my email address book came up with no one named Summer, or Summers, or any other variation. Nor did a search for "end" yield any results, other than my computer laughing at the simplicity of the task of searching my address book. I'm sure it was saying to itself "Dual core processors running at over 3.5 gigahertz to search through all of 9 contacts, you being one of them?" The only other interpretation was the obvious one - I still hide when I see men in white jumpsuits, especially if they are carrying large nets ...you never can be too safe.

5. Reward yourself with a much deserved gift
Alright. Now we're talking. This is pretty straightforward - with or without the "in bed" option. After a careful review of my scheduled court appearances, I opted for a quick trip out to Vegas where I was going to utilize the "in bed" ending option. At last, twin blonde bombshells to do all sorts of wild and pleasurable things to me and Wally, the one eyed wonder worm. Now, honestly, how many of you out there are aware of the fact that Las Vegas vice has a pair of twin blonde bombshells? My court appearance calendar is really starting to get full.

4. If you continually give, you will continually have
I don't know about you, but at this point I'm getting a really strong suspicion that the fortune cookie printers have malfunctioned - running out of ink at a critical junction. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the word "nothing" is missing from the end of this friggin piece of paper. Look at it...add `nothing' to the end of the sentence. Now it makes sense, doesn't it?!

3. A distant romance could begin to look more promising
Still stinging from the Las Vegas twins (no pun intended) you'll understand my reluctance to have anything to do with any out of town women, especially when I'm unfamiliar with the exact borders of municipalities and police jurisdictions. Still, this one had me intrigued. My first challenge was to settle on a nationality for this new mystery woman. I opted for Brazilian, because, despite my slowly healing ass, I really am a butt guy. Of course, this is made harder by the fact I don't speak Spanish, or whatever it is they speak. Can anyone translate "Procurando um garoto para modelar quem manda um corpo agradavel. Por favor emitir retratos a contatar o info. em rio junho 10 junho a 16"?

2. Resist a temptation to take shortcuts of any kind
Nice of them to give me this just when there is only one fortune left. How much of a shortcut can I really take now?

1. You have a flair for adding a fanciful dimension to any story
Are you kidding me? What the hell are those bastards in the fortune cookie dungeon doing? That's it. I'm officially ending my relationship with Panda, especially given the recent headlines regarding the toothpaste over there. As soon as I get out of house arrest I'm gonna have myself a Big Mac.