To My Upstairs Neighbor with Impeccable Timing

Originally posted on the Los Angeles Rants & Raves section of Craig's List on July 11, 2007.

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OK, enough is enough.

I remember the first time like it was two weeks ago at 6:45 am.

I had just finished my morning workout- Wednesday--chest and back day. I was pumped and sweaty, flushed with endorphins and ready for that nice hot morning shower. I fired up the shower and hopped in, mentally giving a high 5 to the engineers who took the time to invent a shower head with a jet pulse massage setting, when suddenly my pulsing jet streams of bliss ceased to exist, and I was left standing in my shower, watching a limp stream of water dribble out of my now impotent shower head. I could hear you upstairs turning your bathtub water, adjusting the temperature to your liking, and I wondered what sort of idiotic plumbing do we have where YOU get ALL the water?

Disgruntled, I cursed the pathetic plumber of the past and rinsed as best I could and decided that the next day (legs and glutes) I'd hit it 45 minutes earlier. That way I'd get my shower done just as you were waking up.

But the next day, despite my early rising, the same thing happened. Slightly suspicious, I chalked it up to sheer coincidence - maybe you had an important meeting that morning and thus were rising earlier than normal. (I'm a pretty laid back kind of guy--no roid rage here.)

But day after day, regardless of the time or day, anytime I turned on my bathroom water, I could hear you dash into the bathroom and turn on YOUR water, effectively bath-blocking me. What the fuck, dude?

I've even gone so far as to turn on my water, and when I hear you turning yours on, I turn mine off. When you turn yours off, I wait a minute then turn mine back on. You immediately follow. I'm trying to picture two guys, standing in their respective bathrooms above each other, and turning on and off their water in some sort of weird Freudian symphony. Again, I ask, what the fuck, dude??

It's very obvious you know what you're doing--I can't even begin to imagine what title could be given to this kind of totally irrational mental disorder. (as opposed to the totally rational mental disorders...)

Hydrophobia is the fear of water ...nah, too bland. Bathophobia is the fear of bathing. (I kid you not...look it up.) Misanthropy is the hatred of mankind in general.

So I guess you have a severe case of "sub-dwellular bathosanthropy." a fear or hatred of mankind below you bathing.

So dude, I'm askin' nice ...knock it the fuck off. Otherwise, next time I hear your water running, I just might find myself with an uncontrollable urge to do 6 loads of laundry.