Thursday, June 4, 2009

The invisible man holds a black light shining in the darkness...

It has been nearly six months since I've written here. Six months. Much has changed in that time, and not all for the better, I must say. While the words written here are most likely lost to obscurity in the vastness of the web, it is, for me, therapeutic to spend the time putting these thoughts and feelings to paper, virtual as it may be.

I am in a dark place right now. Not literally... the three monitors in front of me put off a lot of light, and the ceiling fan which hovers overhead has three very bright, environmentally friendly bulbs which, I might add, don't last nearly as long as they claim. 7 years? I don't think so...we've only lived in this apartment 3 or 4 years and I've already changed them out several times. So much for THAT claim.

But, back to the darkness.

I can't shake this feeling of deep, dark despair.
I'm 46 years old and don't have a clue what I'm doing on this mudball.
I find myself angry a lot.
Bitter.
Resentful.
Frustrated.
Lonely.
Irritated at the overwhelming prevalence of stupidity in the general population around me.
Annoyed.
Sad.

Nothing seems to give me a sense of satisfaction right now, and I'm struggling with finding a reason to get up and face the next day. Seriously...is this all there is?

I hear these people talk about "the power of positive thinking" and "the laws of attraction." I've done it. I moved out here in 1990 FULL of positive energy and ready to take it on. So, you'll excuse me if, after 19 years, I'm a little tired of not seeing the results that seem to come to everyone BUT me.

I keep listening to this song "Talking To My Angel" - the lyrics say "I've been talking to my angel, and he says that it's alright."

My angel looks at me quizzically and asks "Who are you again?"

OK, I'm gonna take a break right now-- I think I need to change my light bulb again...