Service for My Libido

My Libido passed away yesterday after years of neglect. Tragically, he was only 32.

Born into a poor family, My Libido stayed out of the spotlight for many years, content to bide his time until all the pieces required for his rise to power were in place. Eventually, he could be contained no longer and made his presence known, much to the delight of his fans everywhere. His most celebrated tour, affectionately remembered by many as "The College Daze", was publicly well received and garnered much critical acclaim.

Eventually, the lust for the spotlight faded, and My Libido settled into a rather comfortable routine, which often left his fans disappointed and wanting more. The critics were equally as harsh, and often times the reviews were mixed at best--critics often served up reviews which claimed "Performance was too short" or "Energy was lacking." Perhaps it was the strain of living up to the prior successes, or an un-reported substance abuse problem, but certainly the later years showed a drastic decline not only in the attendance, but in the frequency of the shows as well.

Eventually, My Libido retired completely from the public, and he spent his remaining years alone and neglected. He leaves behind only memories and regrets.

In lieu of gifts, fans and mourners are encouraged to make a donation to the charity of their choice. A private memorial will be held at an undisclosed location.

Rest in Peace.

Tech Tools: Using Today's Technology to Enhance your Game

This is an article I penned for a Dungeons and Dragons/roleplaying e-zine

=====================================================

I'm what you would call an old school gamer. I started back in the day with nothing more than a pad of graph paper, pencils, erasers, dice, and the red Basic Dungeons and Dragons rulebook. Everything was simple — in retrospect you could refer to our gaming back then as low tech gaming.

I remember using clear plastic sheet protectors and a grease pencil to draw a multi layered dungeon; I would place one layer on top of the other to see where stairs would line up and secret passageways would link. Back then I seemed a genius; to look back now it seems almost laughable.

With the advent of massively multi-player online games, consoles like the Playstation 3 and Xbox 360, and real life commitments like a job, a mortgage, and other such buzz kills, the number of old fashioned pen and paper gamers has dwindled.

For those of us who continue to meet regularly and sling dice over a battle-mat covered table, though, there are nice tools available today to improve your game, simplify the almost overwhelming record-keeping tasks of the DM, and make that evening spent together one that will be talked about for years.

To that end, I present my list of suggestions of modern day tools for use in your old fashioned role-playing games. This particular set of tips is geared towards a Microsoft Windows environment, but I'm confident Linux and Mac users would have little or no problem finding the equivalent programs for their respective operating platform.

1. Create Wallpapers To Serve As DM Screens

This tip works best with the multiple monitor setup tip in this article and a display adapter that can accommodate different desktop wallpapers on your various displays.

Use GIMP or the Windows Paint application to create files that display commonly referenced tables, and then set them as your wallpaper.

Pressing the Windows Key +D automatically minimizes all your windows and displays your desktop, and pressing it again toggles the windows back to their former size, so it's a quick toggle to refer to these charts and tables and then toggle back to your open applications.

2. Use Sound Effects And Music To Accentuate Encounters

I like to keep a library on my hard drive of music soundtracks and sound effects. Animal growls make a nice attention getter when the party is crouched around the fireplace and they think they heard a twig snap. Creaking doors, the pfffft of an arrow whizzing by, and the sound of stone rumbling on stone nicely accentuate sessions.

There are quite a few movies that have great soundtracks to play softly underneath the game session. I like the original soundtracks to Conan the Barbarian, Lord of the Rings, The 13th Warrior, and Legend.

Hard drive space being as inexpensive as it is, you can keep many of these soundtracks on your laptop hard drive; add shortcuts to your desktop and you can quickly access them as needed.

3. Create 3-D Levels With Level Editors From Computer Games

OK, I'll admit I only use this for the grand finale of a campaign, or for times I find myself with an amazing amount of downtime. But, the results can be nothing short of spectacular.

A handful of computer games have level generators included with them, so you can create your own adventures for the game. Two that come to mind are the old PC DOS based game Witchaven and the more recent Neverwinter Nights. I believe Quake had a level generator plug-in, as did another game called Hexen, but you should verify that.

I've used Witchaven and Neverwinter with awesome results, but I have to admit the time commitment was pretty extensive, so, again, consider this option with the understanding that a major time commitment might be required.

[Comment from Johnn: you can find great Neverwinter Nights tutorials here. ]

Witchaven runs on DOS, so I keep an old Windows 98 laptop just to run it. Using the level generator that was included with it, I can create a 3D version of any dungeon, tomb, or castle ruins. I can add secret doors, traps, and other standard DM goodies. I fire this up and effectively walk the players through the dungeon. Whenever an encounter takes place we switch to either miniatures or GIMP to track the actual battle.

4. Use A Sound Recorder And Microphone For Note Keeping

I don't know about you, but my group of players always seems to choose the option I haven't prepared for. It's commonplace during sessions that something I don't have prepped for will pop up. Maybe the party wants to eavesdrop on a conversation between guards, or interact with a random encounter that I hadn't completely planned for.

In cases like this, clicking on a sound recorder to invisibly store the conversation, make notes, etc. is a real time saver (and I never like to clue players in that I'm ad libbing a particular part of the storyline.)

Audacity is a free download perfect for recording audio on the fly. It's a great tool when player characters ask, "What did that barkeep say about the brigands with the red sash?" You can quickly bring up the.wav file (after they make their memory checks, of course) and recount word for word the entire conversation.

5. Use A Computer Or Laptop

This seems so obvious, especially since most everyone uses e-mail and surfs the web daily, and if you're getting Johnn's role-playing e-mails then you're obviously using a computer already. But, every once in a while, I'll run into a fellow gamer who is surprised I use one or more laptops in my gaming sessions.

I don't think I would want to play without at least one of my trusty laptops in front of me. If you don't game with a computer, think about investing in a laptop, especially if you're the DM. Once you get everything in place, your laptop(s) will become an indispensable part of your game.

6. Track Characters And Record Keeping With A Spreadsheet

80% of what I know of Excel I learned creating character sheets. Not only does a good spreadsheet simplify the PC and NPC generation process, but a well constructed spreadsheet provides essential information at a glance, speeds up gameplay, and makes the gaming experience more enjoyable for all.

If you don't have a strong command of some spreadsheet program (Lotus, Excel, Open Office Calc, etc.) you might have a bit of a time investment ahead of you as you learn the software, but, in the long run, it is well worth your effort.

I currently have a spreadsheet set up as follows:

• Each character has one tab that is effectively a computerized character sheet.
• It auto-fills many items for me. For example, if I select Dwarf from the drop-down box in RACE it will auto-fill the adjustments to the stats, racial special abilities, etc.
• When I input PC experience point totals, the spreadsheet notifies me when a new level has been reached, indicating where adjustments to stats, combat stats, etc. are now available.
  
  [Comment from Johnn: For D&D gamers, past e-zine advertiser The Only Sheet is a great Excel tool.
  
  Also, search my site for Loz Newman, who has submitted several spreadsheet tips: http://www.roleplayingtips.com/search.php ]
• I also have tabs for consolidating certain aspects of all characters into one page. For example, I have one tab for skills. All skills are listed, and character names run along the top. Each character's score for each skill is automatically displayed and updated as the data is linked to each character's tab. Any skills that aren't taken by anyone are automatically greyed out for ease of identifying what skills are known. I can view all the stats of all the players on one tab.
• I have similar tabs for money, magic items, combat, hit points, etc.

The hardest part of this is keeping the spreadsheet current with whatever game system options your group decides to implement. This particular tip could result in some serious up front time investment on your part, but that's the joy of being the DM, right? Consider that your newfound knowledge of a spreadsheet application might increase your value to your employer, and suddenly a few hours creating lookup tables isn't that bad.

7. Use GIMP, MapTool, and TokenTool For Maps And Minis

• GIMP is graphic editing software you can download for free. It's not as robust as Adobe's Photoshop or Illustrator, but I find it perfect for creating maps and using it during gameplay.
  
  Our gameplay space is limited, so in lieu of miniatures covering the table, I use RP Tools' java based utility Map Tool to display the map. I draw in GIMP and zoom in for a tactical melee display as needed.
  
  
• MapTool allows you to 'host' your dungeon via the Internet (or your local LAN if you have lots of players who bring their own laptops) and while the DM has a sort of "God view" of the dungeon, the players can only see what the DM reveals (based on light sources or infravision or other senses.)
  
  You can accomplish the same thing using GIMP, and if feedback warrants, an additional article can be written describing exactly how to use GIMP for gameplay.
  
  A nice thing about Map Tool is it allows your players remote access over the Internet for groups who have players who can't be present. It even has a built-in chat utility.

• RP Tools also has a utility called Token Tool, which allows you to use any existing JPG or BMP file and convert it into a scaled token for use in MapTool. I've spent way too much time into the wee hours of the morning downloading various pictures and then converting them into tokens for my next game session. This is definitely one to look at.

8. Use Multiple Monitors

For those who can afford it, multiple monitors will make your laptop more useful. There is a little bit of a hardware investment required here, but it's well worth it.

When we play, I have my laptop and three other monitors hooked up to it. One monitor to the left, one to the right, and another facing the players (it displays the same information I see on the right side monitor to the players.) To accomplish this, you'll need three pieces of hardware to add to your laptop:

1. A video splitter box
2. A USB to VGA adapter
3. Some spare monitors

Most laptops these days have a video out port for an additional monitor. What I do is attach a video splitter box to that video out port, and hook two monitors up to that splitter box. Whatever I display on that monitor will be mirrored for the players to see, so during game play, the right monitor displays the dungeon and the characters via the GIMP interface.

The other piece of hardware you should consider investing in is a USB to VGA adapter. This effectively turns a USB port into a monitor port. It isn't a fast refresh, so you wouldn't want to play Quake or some other game on it, but for stationary data display (such as a dungeon key or game diary) it's perfect.

I like to have the dungeon key displayed on the left side monitor via this USB to VGA adapter, and my spreadsheet with all the characters and their stats in the central, primary laptop display, along with a DM's version of the map showing all the traps, encounters, etc. It sounds a bit overwhelming, but once you've tried it and become used to it, you'll be wondering how you ever got along without it.

9. Use Virtual Desktops

To add to the wonderfully nerdy setup described so far, you can download an application that provides you with virtual desktops that provide numerous additional desktops for you to use. Virtual desktops are just what the name implies Ð make-believe desktops running on your system.

I use one desktop as explained in the multiple monitors tip, then I have another virtual desktop just for displaying data and pictures of NPCs. I have another desktop for displaying pictures of creatures and locations, and yet another desktop for sound recording.

Pressing the Windows key +1 brings up the first virtual desktop, Windows key +2 the next, etc. It's like having 5 laptops in front of you. It takes a little getting used to, but now, I am so used to having five desktops and three monitors I can't imagine going back to a single display and a single desktop.

10. Use Instant Messaging For Private Conversations

This tip assumes you have players who have their own laptops, and a gaming environment with an Internet connection (wireless being ideal for obvious reasons). If you're lucky enough to have all this, instant messaging is a great alternative to, "Ok, everyone take 5 in the living room while I talk with Steve/Arnon here about what he sees as he scouts ahead."

Instant messenger is a great way for players to communicate to the DM without alerting the others (which may be a good or bad thing depending on your group). It's handy to have the party thief be able to IM me and say, "I'm picking Parvati's pockets as we make our way through the market place," without having to hand me a piece of paper and thus alert the others that something is going on.

* * *

Well, that's probably enough to get the ball rolling. Hopefully you're already thinking about which of these tips would be useful to you. I would be interested to hear what other DMs and players do to utilize today's technology in their gaming sessions.

Now roll for surprise....

Poker Diary

Game: No Limit Texas Hold 'Em
20 seat tournament

Starting chip stack: 4000

It's down to the final table: 7 players left, blinds are 800/1600

I'm in seat 2 with about 8,000 in chips, 2nd or 3rd from the bottom as far as chip stacks go.
I'm the big blind with an A-3 suited (hearts)

Seats 3 & 4 fold.
Seat 5 (current small stack) calls the big blind
Seat 6 and 7 fold.
Seat 1 (small blind) calls, so it's 3 to the flop.

Flop is Jh, Qh, 7d - I'm four to the nut flush...

Small Blind checks
I check
Seat 5 bets 1600.
Seat 1 folds.
I call.

Next card is a 5s.

I check.
Seat 5 moves all in.

For some reason, I'm pretty confident he doesn't have anything yet...I have a feeling he's chasing a straight... so I call.

We flip the cards, and sure enough, he has a 9 10 off suit. I'm ahead right now with my Ace high, and if a heart comes on the river I've got my flush; he's got an open ended straight draw, so at best there are 8 outs for him.

Last card comes: K diamonds. He catches his straight on the river.

Man, that just stings...

To Grunt or Not To Grunt

One of my favorite comedians is Eddie Izzard. His DVD "Dressed to Kill" is one I could watch over and over, and I have a stupidly large portion committed to memory.

Near the opening of his act, he comments on how you can no longer smoke in bars in California.
"Soon," he says, "there will be no drinking and no talking. Be careful, California...you're supposed to be the 'wild and crazy' state."

I now segue to a news article I saw this morning; according to this article, late last year, Albert Argibay, a Wappinger Falls, N.Y., bodybuilder and state correction officer, was escorted by police out of the Planet Fitness gym he was a member of, after another member complained to management of his loud grunting during weightlifting.

Planet Fitness, a national chain, has a solid "no-grunting" policy in place and Argibay's noisemaking -- along with a resulting verbal tussle with management -- cost him his membership, The New York Times reported.

I have ask to anyone out there..

ARE YOU F*^%!#6 KIDDING ME???

What's next? no sweating??

Come on, people. This is really getting out of hand. In this day and age, everybody and their grandmother's pet poodle has some sort of portable music device; plug in some ear plugs and rock out to elevator music if that's your preference, but for pete's sake, to complain because somebody is grunting while they work out is just unbelievable. Has everyone out there completely lost their mind????

First Southwest Airlines with their "dress code", and now this Planet Fitness with their "no grunt policy." I am so stunned at the mentality of people today that I've decided to go ahead and start a list of all the other policies we should start enacting:

1. From now on, you are no longer allowed to read in the library; after all, we don't want you to damage your eyes and sue.

2. If you are sick, please stay away from the doctor's office and the hospital; we don't want you to infect anyone else with your pathogens.

3. When your car breaks down, please have it towed to your home; we don't want to see a large collection of vehicles parked in front of the auto repair shop because it looks unsightly.

4. No chewing or swallowing in restaurants, it's just too gross. You may drink only if you bring your own cup and libations and make sure to use both hands when holding your cup.

5. Please refrain from bringing cash, checks, or credit cards to the mall; such items tempt thieves and pickpockets. In fact, don't go anywhere with any sort of cash, credit card or check book; it's just too dangerous out there.

6. When at the playground, please make sure your children do not run, jump, yell, shout, throw anything, attempt to catch anything, skip, tumble, or play. Heaven forbid they might fall and scrape their knee; not only that, they'll get sweaty and you'll have to bathe them, and they might drown.

7. Speaking of which, no swimming in the pool; water is too precious a resource to waste with your flailing around, splashing, and diving.

8. Please do not stand while using the escalator. Turn around and sit on the escalator steps to avoid falling or tripping-- trust us, it's really much safer this way.

9. Effective immediately, all museums, art galleries and other exhibits must refuse entry to the public. There are priceless pieces of art and other historical artifacts inside and we don't want anything to happen to them. We will soon collect them all in one place and bury them for safe keeping.

10. Lastly, please do not attempt to transact financial dealings at your local bank. We don't want to see you, we just want your money. If you need to withdraw funds, call us and we'll think about letting you have some, depending on the reason you provide. Otherwise, we'll just hold onto it for you--you'll thank us later.


Shall I go on?


I think the snotty maitre'd in Ferris Bueller's Day Off was dead on when he snidely remarked

"I weep for the future."

New California law equates drunk driving to murder

So, Arnold signed into law a bill which, in summary, says if you are involved in a fatal accident while driving under the influence you may be prosecuted for 2nd degree murder.

According to an online legal dictionary, the definition of manslaughter is as follows:

MANSLAUGHTER - The unlawful killing of a human being without malice or premeditation, either express or implied; distinguished from murder, which requires malicious intent.

The distinctions between manslaughter and murder, consists in the following: In the former, though the act which occasions the death be unlawful, or likely to be attended with bodily mischief, yet the malice, either express or implied, which is the very essence of murder, is presumed to be wanting in manslaughter.

I can understand the intent for passing but I must argue that drunken driving cannot be classified as murder - it lacks the legal requisite of malicious intent.

Now, if the penalties for manslaughter seem too light, then up the ante; or add another category to the legal dictionary, (something like extremely gross voluntary vehicular manslaughter) but I'm surprised Arnold signed this most recent bill into law, knowing that the definition of murder implies malicious intent, and unless someone says "I'm going to get stone drunk and kill somebody" I just don't see how malicious intent can be proven.

Now don't get me wrong- I don't condone driving drunk; it's probably one of the stupidest things you can do, just short of playing Russian roulette with a semi auto. There are so many other options to get home safely that you really must be a colossal dumb-fuck to get behind the wheel inebriated.

But to say that anyone involved in a fatal accident while driving drunk is guilty of murder is really stretching the established legal definition.

Hell, I'd almost go so far as to suggest that the penalty for voluntary manslaughter include leaving the guilty party in a room with 6 relatives of the deceased and let them deliver their own justice, but I'm sure there are many who label such a punishment too barbaric, and then would THAT lead to murder charges??

This is so messy, I need to win the lotto and buy my own island...

What if Shakespeare tried online dating?

I think his ad would go something like this....
================================================

E-mails, voice mails, and the cellular phone
Such black holes that devour the day with glee.
Oh, for a quiet meal with companion fair
bearing eyes that sparkle and lips that smile.
I seek no more than a companion sweet
To share the nectar of the grape and vine
and find Eve's daughter blessed with wit and mind.

Bitter irony true that I must use
again hated e-mail for this to be.
Perchance there be one who seeks a respite
And spend but a few hours this night with me
Away from the strife of the daily toils.
Let fly your message quickly; be not shy
That time and place may be known to us both.

STUDY SUGGESTS BISEXUAL TENDENCIES MAY BE LINKED TO AGING

By Richard Yourdikanus
Mon Oct 15, 4:37 PM ET

Researchers at the Australian Center for the Study of Human Sexuality have announced the results of a project which tracked changes in both male and female sexual preferences over a 25 year period, and the results have ignited debate among other experts in the field. The project followed the sexual history of 275 volunteers who, in a preliminary interview, listed their sexual preference as “straight.” Twenty five years later, when questioned again and their sexual history reviewed, 85% of the men and 72% of the women had actively engaged in homosexual or lesbian behavior, and most of them had changed their sexual preference to be either homosexual or bi-sexual.

According to Dr. Samuel Myhokyle, changes in levels of testosterone and estrogen have a direct impact not only on the strength of sexual desire, but the object(s) of that desire as well.

"As a man ages, his testosterone level drops and his estrogen level rises,” Dr. Myhokyle explains. “This change in hormonal balance can result in sexual desires being felt towards other men. For young women, sexual attraction to a male is the natural instinct to propagate and continue the species, but as men age, their slowly awakening bi-sexual tendencies may be a natural Darwinian effect to decrease the likelihood of older sperm fertilizing eggs.

“We all know that the quality of sperm and egg decrease with age,” Dr. Myhokyle continues. “Our study shows that mother nature is effectively tilting the playing field to favor younger men and women procreating by steering older men towards targets that their older sperm cannot fertilize.”

For women, decreases in their estrogen levels and increased testosterone tends to masculinate older women; they begin to exhibit traits usually exhibited by young men, which may include sexual desire being focused towards other women. This waning interest in sex with males may be nature's way of minimizing the likelihood that their older eggs will be fertilized.

Other members of the community find the study's results questionable.

“I'm a very healthy 54 year old male, and I can assure you I have absolutely no interest in sex with another male,” argues Professor Warren Deheavynial, director of the European Institute of Human Behavior. “In fact, if I could, I'd be all over my young personal assistant, who is a very attractive young woman.” Myhokyle is used to hearing such comments, but sticks to his assertion that eventually, Deheavynial will find himself on his knees, sucking some young, massively endowed male to completion and savoring the flavor of the young stud's seed as it is sprayed down his throat.

“It's utterly disgusting,” agrees Dr. Sharon Hertonguegash, who, in addition to working as the spokeswoman for the American Institute of Ethics and Morality, is a fully accredited and board certified gynecologist in Eugene, Oregon. “To suggest that I spend all day with my head between a woman's legs because I'm getting older and my eggs are supposedly nearing their end of shelf life is simply his (Myhokyle's) way of bashing older women. I'm 49 years old and I still enjoy a good dicking every now and then.”

Members of the gay and lesbian community are concerned that, as they age, they may find themselves experiencing feelings of sexual attraction towards members of the opposite sex.

“Does this mean that when I'm older I'm not going to enjoy sucking cock anymore?” one young man asked, obvious concern showing in his face. “Am I going to start fantasizing about a vagina and breasts? Is this the future that's in store for me? Because if it is, I'm just going to kill myself before I sink to that level.”

Myhokyle is quick to point out that a healthy lifestyle may slow the onset of what he calls “Delayed Onset Bisexuality” and that perhaps society in general should re-evaluate the established conventional mindset regarding human sexual behavior.

“Sex is fun, whether you're young or old.” Myhokyle points out. “Does it really matter whether your pounding some moist young mound or sucking the semen out of a footlong wonder schlong? As long as everyone is having a good time and getting their rocks off, what do we care who we do it with?”


Myhokyle's finding will be formally published in the New England Journal of Medicine sometime in 2135, when more people will be open minded about sex in general.













Gotcha!

===================================
Originally posted on the L.A. Rants & Raves section of Craig's List on Oct. 16. 2007

Yes, I wrote it, silly.

Did you even notice the jokes in the name of the people?

Myhokyle.....look closely... KY in "my hole".... myhoKYle...

heh heh heh heh

Best in Game

Currently I'm working on a screenplay for a project that I may or may not try to produce. For grins and giggles, I'm posting the opening scene of the script. Enjoy... and if you're looking for project to produce, well, maybe we should chat.

FADE IN-

EXT. RUINED CASTLE - DAY

A beautiful computer generated image of a forest-covered landscape zooms underneath our bird's eye view of a quiet countryside. We soar up to the top of a hill, where the ruins of an ancient fortress lie. The CGI quality is extremely realistic, however it obvious to see that it a computer generated imagery and not the real thing.

VOICE

Legend tells of a wizard, powerful beyond belief, who created a vast collection of enchanted items. Lost for centuries, it has been rumored to have been found, deep beneath the ruins of the castle Lunmedian Synn. Equipped with the finest gear, and with skills honed to a razor's edge, you make your way to the ruined fortress and begin your search for treasures untold....

CUT TO:

INT. DUNGEON PASSAGEWAY - NIGHT

Five computer generated figures make their way cautiously down a dark, underground stone passageway. At the front of the group, holding a flickering torch above his head to light the way, is SLYPRISIAN, a mean looking man with a nasty scar running down the length of his unkept face. Shadows from the torchlight dance across his black leather armor; his eyes dart furtively about the hallway, searching for tripwires, pressure plates, or other mechanical methods of death. Behind him, LOREAN, a short, stocky dwarf with a long red braided beard, carries a massive hammer and peers eagerly ahead into the darkness. His chain mail clinks as he ambles along behind SLYRPISIAN. DRAKKEN, a tall, gaunt figure, leans heavily on his staff and clutches an enormous book close to his chest. His gray robes are stained with blood, and his limping gait betrays the severity of his wounds. XENON, a buxom, chain-mail clad young female, offers her shoulder as support for the wounded wizard, who coughs and wheezes for air. Lastly, a massively armored knight in full plate mail, SIR CHEVALIER, carrying a second torch and a beautiful, gem encrusted broadsword, brings up the rear of the group. CHEVALIER casts concerned glances over his shoulder to ensure nothing is following them.

The group stops when they arrive at a small rift in the hallway. It is roughly four feet across, and then the passageway continues onward. SLYPRISIAN sniffs the air and looks suspiciously around. A lever protruding from the wall on the other side of the rift catches his attention.

SLYPRISIAN

There's something not right here.

LOREAN
Quit being such a chicken shit.
Get out of the way, I'll jump across.

XENON
We should let Slyprisan take a look around, Lorean.
He's usually pretty good about these things.

LOREAN
Look here, Xenon the Amazon or whatever your name is,
I'll grow old and retire with arthritis in every joint
if we stop and let him search everytime he says
'there's something not right here.'
He's just scared to jump.

With that, LOREAN leaps across the rift. He easily clears the distance, but upon landing on the other side, his weight triggers the floor to drop about a foot, which allows the walls on either end to slam together, smashing LOREAN in between with a deafening boom.

For a moment, all is silent; then the portions of the wall retract, bits of the crushed dwarf on either side. The rest close their eyes or avert their gaze. XENON whispers a short prayer.

SLYPRISIAN
Stupid dwarf. I told him.

XENON
Now what do we do?

DRAKKEN
Push me across.

SIR CHEVALIER
You sir, are in no condition to attempt a leap like that. 'Tis suicide, my good man.

DRAKKEN
Chevalier, who said anything about leaping?

The wizard motions briefly, reciting an ancient chant, and levitates about a foot off the ground.

DRAKKEN
Push me across.

XENON pushes the floating wizard, who sails smoothly across the rift, past the remains of the crushed dwarf, until he eventually lands 10 or 15 feet beyond the deadly landing and next to the small lever SLYPRISIAN saw protruding from the wall. DRAKKEN flips the lever down. There is the sound of stone rumbling on stone, and from below a stone walkway is raised to allow safe passage across the rift. The others cautiously make their way across and join the wizard.

SLYPRISIAN
Stay close.

The group continues down the hall, and eventually arrive at an intersection. In each direction, there is a 20' long secion of hallway ending in a single wooden door.

XENON
Which way?

DRAKKEN
My instincts say they're all trapped.

SIR CHEVALIER
What think you, Slyprisian?
Perchance you can best ascertain
which path leads to the spoils we seek.

SLYPRISIAN
You guys wait here.
(to Chevalier)
And you, please stop talking.
For as long as I have ears that work.

The nimble thief makes his way cautiously down the center hall, where he crouches in front of the door and examines it carefully. He repeats his investigation on all 3 passages, then he comes back to the group still waiting in the intersection.

SLYPRISIAN
I have good news and bad news.

XENON
What's the good news?

SLYPRISIAN
All three doors are trapped.

SIR CHEVALIER
That's the good news?
I fear the bad shall be quite
beyond all our worst expectations.

SLYPRISIAN
I don't think I can disarm the traps.
That's the bad news.

DRAKKEN
Whatever is behind those doors
must be worth protecting.

SLYPRISIAN
At this point, it's in the hands of the fates...
door number one, two or three?

XENON
I say we go straight ahead.

The others shrug.

SLYPRISIAN
So, who's the lucky one who
gets to open the door?

SIR CHEVALIER
I shall go. Sir Chevelier de la Luc
is certainly the best equipped and trained
to handle whatever beasts lay beyond yon egress.

SLYPRISIAN
You should go just for talking like that.

XENON
Wait. Let me bless you.

XENON whispers a brief prayer and touches CHEVALIER's armor; it glows briefly for moment, then the glow fades.

DRAKKEN
I'll offer my protections as well.

The wizard touches CHEVALIER's sword, which lights up with a blueish green flame which envelops the blade.

SLYPRISIAN
Knock 'em dead, Sir Gay Valet.

SIR CHEVALIER
Upon my return, I shall school you
once and for all on the proper pronunciation
of my title.

SLYPRISIAN
Whatever. Get going before
those spells wear off.

CHEVALIER strides down the hallway and stands in front of the door. He grabs the door handle.

SLYPRISIAN
Stand to one side. Might be safer...or not.

The knight does as suggested, and pulls the door open, averting his gaze from the doorway and bracing himself for an explosion or hail of arrows. There is a collective pause, but all is silent. CHEVALIER slowly uncoils and looks back at the group.

SIR CHEVALIER
You see, my pocket pilfering
professional, it appears there was
no danger to fear...

With a thunderous boom, the center of the intersection caves in, burying SLYPRISIAN, DRAKKEN and XENON under a massive pile of rock. CHEVALIER stands, stunned. From beyond the doorway, a low growl slowly fills the hallway.

SIR CHEVALIER
So it comes to this? I stand alone
against the forces of darkness
arrayed against me. Come forth, vile beast.
Taste my blade!

The knight leaps into the hallway, brandishing his sword and torch in an elegant pose of heroic bravery.

FADE TO:

INT. MIKE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Sir Chevalier's pose is perfectly matched by a small painted figurine, standing on a table; the CGI imagery is gone and we see a real world setting. We pull back to see five guys seated around the table, playing a table top roleplaying game. Rulebooks, dice, miniatures, and other gaming paraphenalia clutter the table; chips, soda cans and beer bottles litter the floor. The CGI imagery seen earlier was imagined by the players as it was verbally described to them. Each of the players reflect one of the characters in the opening scene. SLYPRISIAN is being played by CURT, a thin, nerdy looking accountant type. LOREAN, the dwarf was played by MARK, a slightly overweight teddy bear of a guy. DRAKKEN, the wizard, is played by MIKE, a slender bespeckled individual who is feverishly typing onto a laptop. CHEVALIER is played by ANDY, a tall, red complexioned individual who is taking the current situation with extreme gravity.

CHRIS, the game master, sits behind a gaming screen and rolls a handful of dice.

CHRIS
From beyond the darkened doorway,
you feel a blast of hot air, and as the chamber
beyond slowly fills with light, you see a
massive red dragon peering down at you.

The other players groan.

MARK
Dude, you're so toast.

MIKE
(looking up from his laptop)
What's burning?

CURT
It's gonna be Andy in a minute.

MIKE
No, I'm serious, something is burning.

As if to confirm, the smoke detector in the kitchen begins screeching for attention.

ANDY
Oh, crap...my popcorn.

The group jumps up from the table and dash into the kitchen.

What is the "Big Picture"?

I hear this question posed many times at the office where I work as a network administrator. Usually it is posed to me as a request to explain, in non-technical terms, the long term plans for the network infrastructure, and I usually have a pretty good answer for the powers that be. Occasionally we may disagree, or the picture may need to be adjusted, but at least they have a picture in place, and the necessary steps are being taken to bring that picture to a reality.

The other day I realized I don't have a "big picture" for me. I found myself looking at the mirror and asking my reflection "What is the big picture for you?" The really scary thing was that I really didn't have an answer.

Before this degenerates into a "woe is me" sort of diatribe, let me start off by saying that there are certainly plenty of others who have things worse off then me, and this isn't meant to garner sympathy. It's really more of a stream of consciousness expression that will hopefully lead towards some sort of self realization. First, a brief summary of events to bring you, the reader, up to speed.

I can remember in high school when we were given the assignment to research three potential careers. For the life of me, I can't remember what my third choice was, but my first two selections were the military and an investigative journalist. The assignment was to list requisites for the career, pros and cons.

The military was pretty straightforward; it doesn't take a genius to see the potential negative side effects of wearing a military uniform. There is no doubt I would be a vastly different person if I had selected that particular path. The fates, however, dictated another destiny for me, and my plans for becoming the greatest military strategist, eclipsing the likes of Alexander the Great, Napoleon and Patton faded.

An investigative journalist had an interesting ring to it, but it simply didn't have the 'wow factor' that I wanted. Add to the mix the fact that this was before the day of the personal computer; we used typewriters and I HATED not being able to correct my typing errors the way you can today with a word processor. If I had been born 10 or 15 years later than I actually was I may have stuck with this career path, who knows. At any rate, I decided to pass on this because, despite my rather obvious proclivity for verbosity, I tend to despise the actual process of writing, which obviously would be a major part of the job.

The reinstatement of the Drama Department during my senior year of high school put me on the path that I am on now. Not only did I land the lead role on both the winter and spring productions, I won "Best Actor" awards from the local Rotary Club for my performances in both. It was the first time one person had walked away with both trophies in a year - voices clamored that this was the path I should follow, and being an actor appealed to my overly dramatic personality. It was decided; a thespian I would be.

I majored in Theater Arts, and eventually moved to L.A. to pursue my dream. I was fortunate enough to find jobs that allowed the flexible schedule I needed, and I managed a tiny foothold on my conquest of Hollywood. Like the campaign in the Pacific in the Second World War, it was a difficult landing, a brutal assault on the beach, and then a miserable slog through the jungle~ it has been a battle raging for nearly 18 years now.

So here I stand today, wondering what the last 18 years have been for. I'm hardly a household name- in fact, other than my small circle of friends I'm fairly confident no-one knows who I am. As time continues its inevitable march forward, I find myself questioning more and more what my plans are in case I never crack the Hollywood shell. What am I going to do with myself?

Part of me says to give in; surrender to the fact that it isn't meant to be and settle into some sort of 9-5 compromise, where a regular paycheck and a pension await.

There are three major problems with this scenario. First, I don't have any real credentials to immediately go out and get a new job. (My current job will be ending in December.) Yes, I work with computers and I'm fairly good at it, but I have no formal certification, and most employers want a computer science major at least, with MCSE certification or other credentials.

Secondly, given the current trend towards outsourcing, there really isn't anything the would provide what you could call "job security" anymore. There isn't a whole lot more job security working in the technology sector, so completely ending my quest for a career as an actor to accept another non secure career selection doesn't exactly make for an enticing choice.

Lastly, my heart isn't in it. What's the point of going on day to day if you don't have any dreams to chase? Aren't we supposed to have a dream? Isn't that part of the big picture? Or is the big picture something else? I certainly don't have the answer; obviously some additional reflection is needed.

Unless I am struck with some sort of epiphany, I think I must play this out-- to quit now seems the weakest choice, even though logic might dictate otherwise. My apologies, Mr. Spock. For now, I must defer to the rather illogical choice of following my dream. Who knows? Maybe, for me, knowing that I'm trying to do what I love IS my big picture.

People who ask for help but then don't take it.

Originally posted in the Los Angeles Rants & Raves section of Craig's List on July 26, 2007

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Do you fall into any of these categories?

1. You go to the doctor with a badly fractured arm, but after x rays and other doctors confirm the fracture, you tell him he's nuts, that all you have is a cold, and you're going home to drink some orange juice.

2. You are towed to the mechanic, who carefully examines your car and explains that your four tires are flat. You however, are firmly convinced that everyone else on the planet has over-inflated tires and yours are the way everyone's tires SHOULD be. Then you drive off in a huff.

3. You walk into a McDonalds and order a Whopper. The man behind the counter smiles and explains you are in a McDonalds, and Whoppers are the burgers sold at Burger King. You explode into a temper tantrum, wildly denouncing the fast food industry as a whole and cursing them for not calling all their sandwiches the same thing.

4. Your computer consistently locks up and blue screens. You take it to the I.T. guy at your office, who busts his ass diagnosing the problem and finally announces you have several problems, among them a bad RAM module and multiple bad sectors on your hard drive, along with a multitude of sh!t software that you've downloaded and other crappy programs that are gumming up the works. After he orders replacement parts and reinstalls the OS and xfers your files, you immediately take the machine home and re-download all the sh!t that contributed to the crash in the 1st place. When your system locks up again, you bring it back and shrug when the I.T. guy asks how it all got reinstalled, mumbling something about gremlins and a spectre that is haunting your house.


If you do fall into one of these categories, would you do us all a favor and head down to the nearest bar, where you can have as many drinks as your credit card will allow, and then climb the nearest 10 story building and prove to everyone that your unusual molecular structure mixed with alcohol will grant you the power of flight.


Thank you in advance.

Signed,

The I.T. Guy in # 4

Fortune Cookies

Originally posted on the Los Angeles Rants & Raves section of Craig's List on June 28, 2007

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We all know that humans, by nature, are creatures of habit. I have a handful of places that I go to for lunch everyday, partially out of habit but also because the restaurant selection where I work is somewhat limited. Of all the places I frequent, Panda Express is, sadly, my lunch of choice. Two item combo, half n half, with kung pao chicken and either orange chicken or sweet and sour pork. No sample, thank you. No third item for $1.09, thank you. No drink, thank you. It is my mid-day recital that triggers my Pavlovian response in anticipation of my afternoon repast.

Being of slightly obsessive-compulsive mind and body, I decided one day to start collecting all of the fortunes from the fortune cookies. I've even gone so far as to tape them all together into a big mat and have them under my clear plastic desktop protector. You're probably shaking your head thinking "Damn, this poor bastard really needs to get a life." And yet, you read on, mesmerized by my dysfunctional habits and, like a horrific car accident, unable to look away, wondering where this seemingly aimless post is heading. Well, brace yourself.

Today being somewhat quiet, and with my current attempts to decipher The Bard's "Love's Labours Lost" failing miserably, I decided to review my collection of fortunes and share some of them with the world, along with my reflections on their accuracy as they pertain to the comic tragedy that is my life. Initially, I was going to do all of them, but I have over 215 of them, and that wouldn't be a post, it would be an e-novel.

So, without further ado, my top 10 fortunes from Panda Express fortune cookies (with commentary)

10. An admirer is too shy to greet you
Well that's just great. I'm not exactly known for my perspicacity, which probably explains my rather dismal showing at the no limit hold `em tables. I walked around for a week looking everybody I knew in the eyes and trying to see if I could read some sort of secret admiration vibe. All it did was creep everybody out; I'm still getting restraining orders from a few of the really hot ones... dammit.

9. Do not hide your feelings. Let others know where they stand
This might work well for some, but when you work at a computer help desk with people who have the mental agility of a paraplegic snail, you have to exercise some restraint. I won't give you examples because they are all over the internet, but I have to say it is really stunning to have somebody come over and ask if they can borrow the company digital camera because they need to send a screen print to someone. Needless to say, this cookie resulted in a nosedive on my performance chart and a newly updated resume ...fuckers.

8. An important business venture may soon develop for you
Given the results of the prior cookies, I wasn't exactly holding my breath on this one. It was then that some fool told me that the results of fortune cookies are always to be edited to end with `in bed.' Ahh so! Armed with this newfound knowledge, I undertook what was sure to be my path to riches: Brothels R Us. Unfortunately, my eagerness for fiscal security clouded my careful interpretation of the fortune, and as the sole proprietor/employee of this entrepreneurial endeavor, I found myself the rather painful recipient of some very aggressive anal activities before realizing that whoever said fortune cookies are always to be edited to end with `in bed' probably had ulterior motives. Come to think of it, he never did pay for his last four visits....bastard.

7. With integrity and consistency, your credits are piling up
I'm pretty sure this was written by a fortune cookie writer who failed miserably at Bookkeeping 101, or Translation to English 101, or both. I'm almost positive that the original fortune had the word "debits" in place of "credits", because then this would be the first fortune that had even a remote chance of being accurate. Couple this with the fact that I received this after all of the court costs bills from the restraining orders and the bankruptcy proceedings from my failed company in #8. I'm beginning to think my ass is never going to heal.

6. You will have full commitment by summer's end
If I knew a girl named Summer I'd be pretty excited about this one. But, a careful review of my email address book came up with no one named Summer, or Summers, or any other variation. Nor did a search for "end" yield any results, other than my computer laughing at the simplicity of the task of searching my address book. I'm sure it was saying to itself "Dual core processors running at over 3.5 gigahertz to search through all of 9 contacts, you being one of them?" The only other interpretation was the obvious one - I still hide when I see men in white jumpsuits, especially if they are carrying large nets ...you never can be too safe.

5. Reward yourself with a much deserved gift
Alright. Now we're talking. This is pretty straightforward - with or without the "in bed" option. After a careful review of my scheduled court appearances, I opted for a quick trip out to Vegas where I was going to utilize the "in bed" ending option. At last, twin blonde bombshells to do all sorts of wild and pleasurable things to me and Wally, the one eyed wonder worm. Now, honestly, how many of you out there are aware of the fact that Las Vegas vice has a pair of twin blonde bombshells? My court appearance calendar is really starting to get full.

4. If you continually give, you will continually have
I don't know about you, but at this point I'm getting a really strong suspicion that the fortune cookie printers have malfunctioned - running out of ink at a critical junction. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the word "nothing" is missing from the end of this friggin piece of paper. Look at it...add `nothing' to the end of the sentence. Now it makes sense, doesn't it?!

3. A distant romance could begin to look more promising
Still stinging from the Las Vegas twins (no pun intended) you'll understand my reluctance to have anything to do with any out of town women, especially when I'm unfamiliar with the exact borders of municipalities and police jurisdictions. Still, this one had me intrigued. My first challenge was to settle on a nationality for this new mystery woman. I opted for Brazilian, because, despite my slowly healing ass, I really am a butt guy. Of course, this is made harder by the fact I don't speak Spanish, or whatever it is they speak. Can anyone translate "Procurando um garoto para modelar quem manda um corpo agradavel. Por favor emitir retratos a contatar o info. em rio junho 10 junho a 16"?

2. Resist a temptation to take shortcuts of any kind
Nice of them to give me this just when there is only one fortune left. How much of a shortcut can I really take now?

1. You have a flair for adding a fanciful dimension to any story
Are you kidding me? What the hell are those bastards in the fortune cookie dungeon doing? That's it. I'm officially ending my relationship with Panda, especially given the recent headlines regarding the toothpaste over there. As soon as I get out of house arrest I'm gonna have myself a Big Mac.

RIP Customer Service

Originally posted on the Los Angeles Rants & Raves section of Craig's List on Dec. 24, 2006.

==========================================

I walked into a local outlet of a national retail chain... no names but is has a big red Target as its logo.

I spied what I was looking for - a nice 35 gallon storage bin with lid. I needed four, but there was only 1 lid. I called a store clerk to look in the back, but he came back empty handed. No lids.

I headed out and went to another outlet about 15 mins away. They had 4 lids...but no totes. A clerk's search in the back came back with zilch.

Ever the optimist, I strolled over to "Guest Services." A young girl gave a half hearted smile and waved me over.

"I have one for the training manuals," I said. "You guys have 4 lids, but no totes. The other store has 4 totes, but not enough lids. Can I pay for them here and pick them up there?"

She shook her head no. Evidently, the caloric expenditure required to speak was too high for so early in the day. "OK, how about if I pay for the totes at the store with the totes and take the lids from here?"

"No, you can't do that," she said.

"Why not? What are you guys going to do with 4 lids?"

She stared at me blankly; for a moment I began to think I had suddenly mastered an ancient language that was unknown in this day and age - was I speaking Aramaic or something?

"If you guys order 4 totes, you're going to get 4 lids, right?" I continued. She nodded. OK, at least I was still speaking English.

"So, you'll always have 4 extra lids, right? Doesn't it make sense to work with the other store and make a sale?"

"Well, you can pay for the totes at the store with the totes and then show them your receipt and get the lids later. But it has to be at the same store. We don't work with other stores."

"You're not one big happy family?" I asked. She shook her head no. I guess she used up all her reserves and was back to head shaking as a form of communication.

I worked retail about 20 years ago and I know how I would have handled this. What the hell good are 4 totes gonna be without lids? But evidently such customer service had its funeral and I missed it. How sad...I would have liked to have sent some flowers...or at least a nice card in aramaic or something.

It's pretty sad how, in this day and age, with the internet and computer systems as advanced as they are, that two stores of the same outlet can't work together and close a deal.

Well, that's my rant. My weekend project of cleaning out and putting crap into storage is shot...guess I'll head off to the local pool hall and see what I can do about putting my liver through its paces.

Merry g0dd^mn Chr!$tm^$



Ebeneezer Scrooge

To My Upstairs Neighbor with Impeccable Timing

Originally posted on the Los Angeles Rants & Raves section of Craig's List on July 11, 2007.

=======================

OK, enough is enough.

I remember the first time like it was two weeks ago at 6:45 am.

I had just finished my morning workout- Wednesday--chest and back day. I was pumped and sweaty, flushed with endorphins and ready for that nice hot morning shower. I fired up the shower and hopped in, mentally giving a high 5 to the engineers who took the time to invent a shower head with a jet pulse massage setting, when suddenly my pulsing jet streams of bliss ceased to exist, and I was left standing in my shower, watching a limp stream of water dribble out of my now impotent shower head. I could hear you upstairs turning your bathtub water, adjusting the temperature to your liking, and I wondered what sort of idiotic plumbing do we have where YOU get ALL the water?

Disgruntled, I cursed the pathetic plumber of the past and rinsed as best I could and decided that the next day (legs and glutes) I'd hit it 45 minutes earlier. That way I'd get my shower done just as you were waking up.

But the next day, despite my early rising, the same thing happened. Slightly suspicious, I chalked it up to sheer coincidence - maybe you had an important meeting that morning and thus were rising earlier than normal. (I'm a pretty laid back kind of guy--no roid rage here.)

But day after day, regardless of the time or day, anytime I turned on my bathroom water, I could hear you dash into the bathroom and turn on YOUR water, effectively bath-blocking me. What the fuck, dude?

I've even gone so far as to turn on my water, and when I hear you turning yours on, I turn mine off. When you turn yours off, I wait a minute then turn mine back on. You immediately follow. I'm trying to picture two guys, standing in their respective bathrooms above each other, and turning on and off their water in some sort of weird Freudian symphony. Again, I ask, what the fuck, dude??

It's very obvious you know what you're doing--I can't even begin to imagine what title could be given to this kind of totally irrational mental disorder. (as opposed to the totally rational mental disorders...)

Hydrophobia is the fear of water ...nah, too bland. Bathophobia is the fear of bathing. (I kid you not...look it up.) Misanthropy is the hatred of mankind in general.

So I guess you have a severe case of "sub-dwellular bathosanthropy." a fear or hatred of mankind below you bathing.

So dude, I'm askin' nice ...knock it the fuck off. Otherwise, next time I hear your water running, I just might find myself with an uncontrollable urge to do 6 loads of laundry.

A Birthday, Karaoke and a Slice of Epiphany Pie

Originally posted on the Los Angeles Rants and Raves section of Craig's List on Sept. 14, 2007.

=======================
Last night I headed out to a good friend's birthday celebration where drinks, conversation and some good old fashioned karaoke were on the agenda.

The drinks were excellent, and it was great catching up with people that I haven't seen in in a while. But the thing that really blew me away and is still strong in my sleep deprived brain this morning was one of the karaoke singers.

This girl had a voice that was simply phenomenal. I got chills listening to her belt out song after song, and I could only marvel at how effortless it all seemed for her.

I chatted briefly with her in between sets; she runs her own business and has no aspirations of ever pursuing singing as a career. When I asked her why she smiled and said very matter of factly

"I'm xx years old and, well, not exactly small."

It's rather disheartening to think that such a gift is going to go unappreciated by most of the world simply because this lady doesn't fit into the mold that so many have been brainwashed into thinking is the only shape that talent can have. Yes, she was older than the coveted 18-24 yrs old and she was heavy, and I'll assume that she may have tried to break into the industry but was met with such a wall of resistance because of her size and age that she simply decided it wasn't worth the battle.

I know that tossing this out into the maelstrom that is R&R is a lot like pissing into the wind, but I just gotta say that I had a bit of a realization last night that I don't think was totally alcohol induced; everyone of us has something unique to offer this little mudball we call home- it's a shame that so many never look past the color of skin, the age, or the size of the body to see whatever jewel might be hidden inside. I have to admit I'm guilty of it from time to time; last night was a real eye opener from which I must certainly try to glean some wisdom.

sigh...

ok, I'm done. Time to drink a monster and try to get these cobwebs out of my head; you may return to the regular daily dose of hatred hurling.

Guns and America

(originally posted on the Los Angeles Rants & Raves portion of Craig's List on April 19, 2007 (just after the Virginia Tech tragedy.)
------------------------------------------

I have been watching the posts here on the gun debate for the last couple of days, and figured I'd toss my thoughts out into the fray.

The gun control vs right to bear arms debate is, no doubt, a passionate argument, and I'll honestly agree that both sides have extremely valid points, and both sides are guilty of taking rather ridiculous stances to further their claims. And until both sides are willing to sit down and rationally discuss, with as little emotion as possible, the realistic approaches that can be taken, no solution presents itself.

For example, I hate hearing those who say "I need my AK-47 for hunting." C'mon, if you need a semi automatic assault rifle to take on Bambi, in my opinion you really aren't much of a hunter.

On the flip side, I shake my head at those who suggest an across the board confiscation of firearms across America. Do those who suggest this honestly believe that the criminal element that exists today is going to simply line up and get rid of their weapons because "the law" said to? C'mon folks, really, we're all smarter than that. In a perfect world, maybe some Sim City game with cheat mode on, that might work. But I think we can all agree that "the bad guys" are not going to play by the rules.

Guns exist in America- that genie is out of the bottle and there is no "magic bullet" (sorry) that will solve this issue, and as I indicated above, both sides are guilty of bending the facts to fit their argument. To make matters worse, in the attempt to validate claims, scenarios are presented which most people simply do not think will ever happen, which then seems to make the argument invalid and the presenter of such scenarios a nut. I am thinking specifically of those who say we must remain armed to keep the gov't in check-many out there say even if the government gets out of hand, the common citizenry will never rise up against the government - it really would amount so a second civil war. It is a frightening scenario that many say will never happen, thus that argument is invalid.

However, I could site historical examples of what happens when only those in power are armed (Nazi Germany is one example), and modern day tragedies that are happening even as we speak because the general population was disarmed, but what good will that do to convince those who already have decided "it can't happen here"? So those of us who argue that government fears an armed citizenry are immediately branded "conspiracy theorists gone bad" or "paranoid paramilitary survivalists." Reason and logic lose their voice when they fall on deaf ears, and all the facts in the world won't sway someone who doesn't want to see them.

I watched Bowling for Columbine for the 1 st time yesterday because of one my co workers swore up and down it was the most amazing documentary he had ever seen. I'm only going to address one (of many) things that I noticed.

At one point, Moore indicated that gun sales were at an all time high, while crime was on the decline. I believe he was attempting to show that people didn't need to buy guns because crime was going down. But not once did he suggest that crime was on the decline BECAUSE everyone was arming themselves, because that wouldn't put the proper spin on his argument. It wasn't a documentary, because it wasn't unbiased, and it is a sterling example of people not wanting to rationally examine facts and figures without putting their own personal agenda on the table.

But this isn't meant to be a review of BFC. We (meaning Americans) are faced with a unique problem, in part because we are a unique country. No other form of government exists with the same liberties and freedoms. There are other democracies, but not with the same level of "unregulated" freedoms. (I say that with tongue in cheek.) I watch with dismay at how easily people surrender these rights, slowly allowing themselves to become nothing more than sheep in a flock, to be led mindlessly wherever the shepherds dictate, and shamelessly abandoning any form of personal responsibility for one's self or family.

The hypocrisy of those who want to take away your and my right to keep one's self and loved ones safe is truly staggering, but it appeals to those who think they are either immune to the dangers of today's times, or have means to purchase the services of others to protect them. Given all that has happened, and the fact that we are at war with those who have no reservation about killing innocent civilians, how can you, in good conscience, walk around unconcerned and unprepared for any potentiality? I have always said "Preparation will beat regret for the lack of it every time."

I can already hear the clamor. "Are you suggesting we all walk around'packing heat'? Do you really want to let crazy people walk around armed?" Ladies and gentlemen, they already are...


July 18, 1984: 21 killed at a McDonald's in San Ysidro (San Diego County).

Aug. 20, 1986: 14 killed in a post office in Edmund, Okla.

Oct. 16, 1991: 23 people killed at Luby's Cafeteria in Killeen, Texas.

April 20, 1999: 13 people killed at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo.

We will never make it so that those who wish harm upon others cannot do so.

But we can, and should, allow those who may be in harm's way to defend themselves (and others). I wish the world were such that it isn't needed. I wish we all got along, respected and appreciated our individualities and offerings to the world. I wish we could be united and stand together and work alongside one another without fear, prejudice and loathing.

But that is as unrealistic a dream as a world without guns.

Freedom is not cheap. It is bought and paid for in blood and tears, and keeping those freedoms is a never ending task, and it requires a personal investment and personal responsibility, which are both eroding at an alarming rate.

We should be examining why these things happen; what are we as a society missing that is allowing the creation of, and overlooking the existence of, those who are as disturbed and troubled as the VT killer. Yes, the availability of firearms may have contributed to the tragedy, but if the faculty had been armed, how many lives would have been saved? It is supposition, but it deserves to be asked.

"You're fighting fire with fire." you may argue. Yes, I am. That's how wildfires are put out. It may not be a perfect solution, but it works. Putting out an oil fire with explosives sounds insane, but it works. Arming a society to protect itself from itself may not be so crazy after all.